


How do I live without you

by lotusfl0wer



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), Green Arrow and the Canaries (TV)
Genre: Angst, Dinahsiren Week, F/F, dinah & laurel, dinah drake pov, dinahsiren - Freeform, dinahsiren week 2020, kinda OOC, mentioned Mia Smoak, this came up to my mind and I needed to write it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:55:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24361678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotusfl0wer/pseuds/lotusfl0wer
Summary: Dinah feels something for Laurel that she doesn't know what is it yet, but she never got the chance to say that to Laurel before the Crisis. When Laurel shows up at her bar asking for her help to a new mission, Dinah feels like life gave her another chance to finally say it.or episode 8x09 going to a different way, where Dinah loves Laurel and Laurel doesn't know yet.(I'm terrible at summaries, but the story is good, I guess)(English is not my first language, so please, be kind).
Relationships: Dinah Drake/Earth-2 Laurel Lance, Dinah Drake/Laurel Lance
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	How do I live without you

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to "How do I live without you" - by LeAnn Rimes when this came up to my mind and I just needed to write it.   
> Kinda OOC, so if you don't like it, don't read.   
> Again, English is not my first language, so forgive me if I made mistakes and be kind to me.  
> I really hope you like it.

_2040_

_Sunny..._

“Excuse me. I'm looking for the owner.”  
“Over there.”

_Ohh oh, sunny_   
_You smiled at me_   
_And really eased the pain_   
_Oh, the dark days are gone_   
_Now the bright days are here_   
_My sunny one_   
_Shines so sincere_   
_Ohh oh oh_   
_Sunny, one so true_   
_I'm in love with you_

I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was really her. Laurel Lance. The good version of her, standing there, at my bar, after all this time. And she looks like someone who needs to talk to me. After Oliver’s death and the whole Star-City-is-a-safe-town thing, I just went missing. I wasn’t needed anymore. And the future has changed, so nobody knows about me, about Dinah Drake being a Canary, fighting crime. For some time until now, little did I know, I could just be me, a singer, a bar owner, living in an old studio. My eyes were glued to her, I couldn’t help it.

  
“Wow, how long has it been?”

  
“A long time indeed. Hey, is there somewhere we can… talk?”

  
I nodded as walking to the backdoor’s stairs. My bar was a very safe place (actually anywhere was safe enough, since I’m no one anymore), but deep inside I wanted to have some time with her. _Only_ her. She brought a taste of home, old times nostalgia. 

  
“Dinah, this is where you've been living?”

  
“Well, it's right above the bar and it has got a hell of a view.”

  
“Black Canary and the captain of SCPD now owns a bar.” She says, taking a good look around my apartment (Can I call that studio like that?). “Also, when did you learn to sing?” I could feel her eyes looking at me in a different way, almost like she could see something more than the Dinah she once met. 

  
“We didn't have much time for karaoke back in 2020, did we?” I sat at the stairs and she followed my lead. “So how did you find me? Sara?” We were very close. How I missed that, and I didn’t even know until that moment.

  
“She said that she found you here a couple of months ago and that you didn't want to come back with her.”

  
“The day after Oliver's funeral in 2020, I woke up here. I had no idea how or why. When I got here, I found out that I don't even exist.”

  
“I'm sorry. How is that even possible?”

  
“I don't know, but there is no trace of Dinah Drake or the Black Canary.”

  
“And what, you're just fine with that?”

  
“I guess I came to realize that not having an identity can either be sad or it can be oddly freeing. I can let go of the people I lost, the mistakes that I made.” It wasn’t my intention to say those words, words that I knew could either hurt her or put us in the same relationship we’ve had before the Canaries friendship we evolved for. All I meant was about me, my mistakes, my losses. Of course I missed Vincent, but I already dealt with him being gone a long time ago and now all I have for him is love and good memories. But there was someone I’ve lost that I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye (actually, I didn’t get the chance to say anything), and there were a lot of things to be said. She spent 20 years out of my life and I missed her. I felt like I had lost her, which characterizes the mistakes I wanted to forget. That one mistake about not telling her how I feel. We’ve been through a lot and for so long I hated her for killing my fiancé. Then she proved she was changing for the better and I understood that that Laurel Lance from another Earth was really trying. I was capable of forgiving her and being friends with her. In our last missions before the Crisis that got Oliver killed, I was on my way to understand that I didn’t want to be just friends anymore. I wanted something more. Those mix of feelings got me so confused and angry with myself I couldn’t accept that I was falling in love for someone who once hurt me. Actually, I didn’t even know that I was falling in love with her, I just felt that friendship wasn’t enough anymore. I just couldn’t decide. And then, the future changed. I was erased, she was gone, I didn’t know if Laurel was alive or not, I didn’t know anything. 

  
No. One thing I always knew: that I missed the chance to say her how I feel about her and could never get that chance again. 

  
Those thoughts haunted me for many days, but there was nothing I could do to change that, so I just…. Accepted the solitude and that new reality and tried to go on.  
When she showed up at my bar, a couple of minutes ago, I was haunted all over again, for the good and the bad stuff in my mind. I got that chance I’ve always wanted, but I felt like I didn’t have enough time to mature my feelings, to finally understand how I feel about her. Laurel Lance.

“I'm not gonna lie. Your zen is kind of creeping me out.” She smiles. 

  
“Thank you. You know, there has been no real crime in Star City in 20 years, Laurel. And Zen's not that hard to come by.”

  
“Well, I hate to break it to you, but Star City isn't safe anymore. Bianca Bertinelli's been abducted.”

  
“Helena's daughter. The socialite. Why... Why would anybody want to hurt her?”

  
“Money, revenge, something to do with Helena. Who the hell knows? D, I need you to help me find her.”

  
“You really came all the way to the future to rescue a kidnapped socialite?” That was… odd. And here I am, pushing her away again. I’ve always had those self-sabotage genes anyways.

  
Laurel hands me an Ipad with a video playing. 

  
“What am I looking at?” I get to see frames of a city on fire, bombs exploding, reporters giving the latest and saddest news to the people.

  
“Star City 2041.”

  
“This is a year from now.” And didn’t look good at all. “It's not possible. The city's safe.”

  
“It doesn't stay that way.”

  
“Because Bianca Bertinelli gets kidnapped?”

  
“No. Because she dies.” Laurel had a new tone in her voice, more serious and concerned. “3 days from now, her body is found in the bay, her killer never caught. The city falls apart. Everything that Oliver sacrificed his life for”. 

  
How did she know all of that and I wasn’t even _real_ anymore? And why did she need my help?

  
“I thought this part of my life was done, Laurel”. I return the IPad to her and move backward, starring to the city above my window, keeping a safe distance. I wasn’t sure what does safety stands for, but that physical space was needed. 

  
“Then don't do it for you. Do it for Oliver.”

  
Again, she gave a very good point, as she always did. Everything Oliver built, everything we’ve built with Oliver couldn’t be wasted like that, not for some socialite’ intrigues. However, there were some other thoughts running through my mind at that moment. I wanted that second chance to try to find out how I truly feel about Laurel and maybe tell that to her like it was my redemption. Although, I couldn’t destroy my new life, a comfortable and happy life just to be a Black Canary again (yes, I was mad at the Universe because everyone I knew got the chance to keep being heroes and I was just erased from the narrative).

  
As I hear Laurel breathing out behind me like she was hopeless, I knew I needed to say yes. If I declined that mission, I could never see her again, and that was something I'm willing not to do never again, no matter what I lose on the way.

  
“Okay. For Oliver.”

  
“Good. Now there's one more person we need who's well-connected.” There was some kind of relief and another feeling I couldn’t understand which one was that in her voice. 

“And who is that?”

  
“I'll inform you on the way.” Despite her relief, she gives me a presumptuous smile and walks towards the door and I follow her, until she stops again and looks at me from head to toes. I couldn’t say how that look made me feel yet, but it gave me the confirmation I needed: I was doing the right thing.

  
“You do have something nicer to wear, right?” She laughs and we finally leave the room. 

\---  
When I said yes to this mission, which I assumed it would be an easy one and we could maintain the city safe with a low effort, I was expecting that after saving Bianca Bertinelli, I could use the adrenalin of the moment to say something meaningful to Laurel, even if I couldn’t manage my feelings yet. Maybe “Hey, I guess I like you… like _like_ you.” or any other cheesy and stupid thing my mind could’ve come up with. But in all scenarios I dreamt of, neither of them ended with Laurel in a hospital bed, in a coma, literally fighting for life and me being by her side. 

  
Mia was making sure that Bianca was safe after the kidnap, and I was standing beside a pale and intubated Laurel. Seeing her like that made me feel like my heart was being ripped out the same way I felt when I watched Vincent die right in front of me. Well, everything was happening again, I was seeing someone I cherished die, with one big difference: Vincent died knowing that I loved him. Laurel doesn’t. She didn’t even know that I had feelings for her. 

  
When I saw her entering my bar and walk towards me and my piano, I thought that it was life giving me another shot to tell her how I missed her, the way she made me feel comfortable and healed, and important, and strong, and confident and how seeing her again brought me the feeling of being home again. I was betting my life on that.   


Oh, I couldn’t be more wrong. 

Bianca Bertinelli was kidnapped by her ex-boyfriend and his goons, she was about to be shot while we were fighting to save her when Laurel decide to be reckless and got shot in her place. Her suit is all bulletproof, but she doesn’t wear a helmet and she’s shorter than Bianca, so she ended up with two bullets: one in her top right side of her head and the other one through her clavicle, probably trespassing her lungs, because she couldn’t breathe. 

  
I don’t know how we finished that or how we actually save the Bertinelli girl, I just know that we were in a hospital room and I almost couldn’t breathe like her. 

  
“I’m sorry, Ms. Drake. Your friend may have to take a long time to wake up or even…”

  
“I know.” 

  
“Hm… I’m gonna give you some time. If you need me, I’ll be at the nurses’ bay.” 

  
The doctor left the room and suddenly it felt like I was alone in there. I didn’t like that at all and found myself sobbing. Laurel was there, she was right beside me.  
I hold her hand, taking care to not mess with the needles in her skin. She looks so fragile, different than the fierce woman I always saw in her; Seeing her in that situation felt like a punch in my stomach. 

  
“People-” I tried but my voice cracked into sobbing. It took me a minute to retry. “People say that… when we talk to someone in a coma, they can hear us. I hope you’re listening.” A giant ball of pain and sadness went down my throat. “I- I spent so many years hating you, wanting to hurt you, you know. And despite seeing you change and accepting you in my life as a friend, I never considered apologizing to you. You apologized to me, but I never did. I chose to forget, to pretend that you knew I was sorry for the things I told you, even though I knew you weren't you, Laurel. You became a close friend and I still didn't want to apologize. Maybe I didn't want to tell you this because I wanted to have this… this score to settle, like a bond between us, so you never leave. And when I started to think about it, I realized that things were going to a different path. A path that I no longer had control over, I could only admit. I spent my days wanting to tell you about my day, hoping for a mission that we could go together, or that I had to go to the DA's office to deliver you a document just to be able to check if you were okay if you needed help. I wanted to spend time with you. And that was one more thing that I kept. I didn't understand how I could feel that way about a person who once hurt me and who I hated so much for so long. I was a mess inside. I always put off thinking about talking to you until... I disappeared. You disappeared. The future was changed and I missed any chance to be able to tell you. Until you showed up at my bar, I spent my nights wondering if anything would have been different if I had apologized, or if I had told you all this crazy thing. When you came looking for me, I felt that I could finally tell you. Of course, not at that moment. I was still going to take a few days to try to organize myself inside, understand what I feel, what I wanted to say, but I was going to say it. I was quite willing to say it, no matter what happened. If you left again, or some other crisis wiped me out, or if we went back to be the Canaries again ... But you decided to save the day, Laurel! You thought it was a good idea to get in front of those bullets and now you're there and I don't know if you're listening to me, I don't know if you're going to wake up. And I hate that. I hate that I didn't tell you that... I think I love you. It doesn't matter if you love me back, it doesn't matter if you need me. But I need you, I need you to wake up. If only to tell me that I'm crazy and that this, we, would never happen. I don't know what loving you means, but I do. And honestly? What am I going to do with it if you're not here?” 

  
The only sound I heard was the stupid beep from the monitor. 

  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hating you then, and I’m sorry for loving you now.” My legs couldn’t take my weight anymore, so I just fell off to the chair beside her hospital bed, keeping my hands on hers. 

  
This was by far the worst time I could have imagined having that conversation. The next few moments I spent hoping for a miracle. I didn't expect her to wake up asking me for a kiss or saying she felt the same, nothing like that. I just hoped she would wake up and give that smirk that only she knew how to give in the worst moments.

  
The room was in silence again, the machine was beeping but I couldn’t hear it anymore until the monitor started to dramatically increase the beeps and change colors. The red numbers showed that something was not right, even though I didn't know what it meant. Suddenly, I felt Laurel's fingers tighten around my hand and her eyes opened. That was good, wasn't it? She was in a coma and opened her eyes.

  
By the sound of the monitor, the medical team was called and they entered the room.

  
"She moved her hand and opened her eyes. What happened? Did she wake up?" I asked desperately.

"Please, get ms. Drake out of the room." The doctor in charge spoke as if I wasn't there and two nurses gently pushed me out of the room.

  
I didn't know if I didn't have the strength to fight it or if I wanted the doctors to remove those needles and tubes from Laurel and tell me that she was fine and that I could come in to see her in a few moments. Before I left the room, I heard her gasp loudly and when I turned to look at her, the room’s door was closed.

For forty minutes I was in agony. When the doctors opened the door again, I didn’t hear the beeps and I saw some nurses taking those needles off of Laurel’s skin. She didn’t have the tube through her throat anymore. 

  
“Is she awake?” My eyes were soaked and I was putting a big effort to smile. 

  
“Ms. Drake, can we talk for a minute?” She touched my shoulder gently, showing me the way to the hallway again. “Ms. Drake, I- your friend, ms. Lance, she had so much blood in her lungs and her brain wasn’t working like before, she wasn’t bombing enough oxygen to her brain. We took all the blood out of her lung during the surgery, but she started bleeding again. The blood has accumulated, clotted, and… We did everything we could, ms. Drake. I am so sorry. She- She passed away.” 

  
The sound of the doctor's voice seemed muffled, but the last sentence I heard very well. Laurel was dead. Although I could see the doctor's mouth open and close, I could no longer hear it. I was focused on the information that Laurel was dead. She was gone, I let her slip through my fingers. She died and I couldn't even understand if her fingers squeezing my hand meant that she had heard me or if they were an answer to the confession I made, or still if it was just a last call for help because she was choking in her own blood. I would never know because she was dead. She was dead and she didn't know that I was sorry for everything nor that I loved her. 

  
Her death wasn’t my fault, but the fact that she died without knowing that I loved her for all those years was.

  
_What a shitty show life is._


End file.
